Alphabet Rum
by Teya.J
Summary: Deadliest Catch: AU, One-shot. Teya and Jen are a little more then drunk when they come up with a new alphabet for Teya's six month old son. Co-authored by Lioncourt619 and myself. Contain's Sexual References. Contains possible spoilers for the stories 'Northwesterly Changes' and 'Save A Horse, Ride a Captain' (SHxTeya and AHxJen)


_**Author notes: Okay so this came about after a horrible day off where I had to deal with the dickhead that I live with. This is a collaboration fic with a friend after one to many shots of (imaginary) tequila and weird games. (Don't ask). She wrote the parts by Jen and Teya was all me. Enjoy.**_

_**There may or may not be spoiler alerts for **_"_**Northwesterly Changes" (NW-C).**_

_**I don't have anything to do with the Deadliest Catch crew. This is a total crack fic based on the NW-C universes and uses the characters from NW-C and the now deleted 'Save a Horse, Ride a Captain'. It's set in mid to late 2012. Rated M for a sexual references (specifically towards the end.)**_

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_**Due to some abuse that has been happening on the FFnet site - you know who you are, you coward not even leaving signed reviews - I want to clear a few things up.**_

_**Firstly, READ the disclaimers. I don't even know the men in real life, so I can't claim to know what they are like off the boats. Hence why it is called FICTION! **_

_**Secondly, My name isn't even Teya. Those who know me on twitter know my name and it most definately isn't Teya. That name came up when around the time I started working on Alphabet Rum and decided to change it from what it originally was in this fic.**_

_**If ANYONE ever tries to do what they did to my friend on here by berating and abusing me, you had better be able to pack fire to their heat because I will not stand for it. A constructive criticism will be accepted and filed away but full on out abuse will not be tolerated. Also, if you WANT to try and abuse me, leave a signed review so I can contact you and deal with you in private. You hurt my friends and I will set you in your place, understood?**_

_**I hate to have done that, and for those you who aren't the person who I am referring to, please ignore that and read the story. I'm sure you will enjoy it. I'm just defending a friend who has been very hurt by someone who won't reveal who they are.**_

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**Alphabet Rum**

Jen and Teya were giggling their heads off as the two grabbed another bottle of _Time Bandit_ rum that Andy had so generously left out. (Okay so Jen got the bottle out of the cupboard - it was her house after all!) They were celebrating Jen and Andy's engagement and Jen saw no reason not to continue the celebration while the guys were at the store buying more snacks. Teya and Sig had come over after dropping Alexei off at Edgar's for the night. This was one of their first nights out together without their little boy since he was born six months ago and at the time it seemed like a good idea to go over to the newly engaged couples place for a nice quiet sit down dinner. Jennifer wanted potato chips, the saltier the better, while Teya, of course, wanted her favourite chocolates and they were in no condition to go to the store so the men had been sent to get the necessary goodies. Unfortunately the boys forgot what the affects of the rum would have on the two women and as the men closed the door the two women could hear Sig telling Andy that he hoped that Teya wasn't pregnant again, as when she was pregnant with Alexei she was always craving the chocolate from his secret stash.

Jen giggled at the look on her friend's face, "Speaking of the little guy, how is he?"

Teya brightened a little at the mention of her second child. "Oh Alexei is doing so well! He's nearly six months old now. It's seems like just yesterday I held him in my arms for the first time. He's growing up so fast! Soon he will be walking and off to school to learn his ABC's."

Jen was happy for her friend, but she tried to think of the conversations she and Andy had been having on the same subject; she downed another shot and smiled evilly.

"We should come up with…a…crabbing theme alphabet for him!" she snickered.

Teya looked at her friend for a moment before bursting out laughing! "Well if John can write a children's book then why can't we come up with a new alphabet? A for Apple is a little over done I think. Lets do it! Go get some paper and pen and I'll pour us the next round."

Jen walked unsteadily to her desk and grabbed a note book and pen; she was snickering on her way back because she had a perfect idea for A.

"Okay…okay…" she was giggling as she sat down. "A…is for…Andyconda."

"Whoa girl! Hold your horses! That's a little more then I needed to know! Get me the mind bleach!" said Teya, before giggling again as the alcohol began to befuddle her mind once more. "Mind you it explains why you always look so excited when he comes back to town."

Jen braced her arms on the table as her body shook with laughter; she gave a rather undignified snort and shook her head, "I'm a lucky…lucky woman." She giggled and pointed to Teya, "You next, what's B stand for?"

"You need to ask? B is for the Bering Sea obviously! If it wasn't for what she held in her grasp we probably wouldn't have our men now…..especially my Sigurd. Sverre probably wouldn't have settled here in Seattle."

Jen nodded her head sagely, "Very true…gods bless the Bering Sea." She poured another round, "Then C is clearly crabs, the sea's bountiful…um…bounty." She couldn't help the wheezing as she laughed at her own silliness. Teya laughed along with her friend as she poured another shot of rum.

"D is Dickboss of course! As much as I am grateful that he took Alexei for the night he pissed me off again earlier today." Teya grabbed her glass and shot it down before pouring herself another one.

"Well, then…just to be fair…E has to be for Edgar." Jen giggled, "Can't have Alexei calling him…" she nearly fell over as she started laughing, "Uncle Dickboss!"

"Personally I wouldn't mind if he did call Edgar Uncle Dickboss, but I doubt Sig would like that at all, not to mention Edgar would probably try to kill me again. He's still angry about the whole coffee not being coffee thing. Okay so I may have done it more then once but come on! Lighten up man!"

Jen's sides were starting to hurt from laughing so much but she poured them each another shot and realized half the bottle was nearly gone. "Um…so…who or what gets F?" she giggled, sloppily writing 'Edgar' under E. Teya thought about it for a minute.

"Hmm…..let me see. Well there is Freddie Maughtai, fishing of course, or fireworks? Take your pick."

Jen thought about it a minute, "I'd be a bad fiancée if I didn't say fireworks, you know…considering." She signalled towards the large box of "Time Bandit Fireworks" the guys would be letting off during the party on the weekend. Teya tried to make a mental note to have Alexei well away from the party by the time the fireworks went off, she wasn't sure how he'd be around them.

"Okay so F is for Fireworks. What about G?"

Jen tapped the pen on the paper and tried to think about crabbing and G's. "Gangplank…no that's pirates." She sighed and then thought of her fiancé's deckhand and friend Josh, "G is Grant…like Grant Harris and Josh too." Teya nodded sagely.

"There must be at least one reference to the Good Ol' Captain Phil." She held up her glass in a toast. "To Phil!" She yelled before sculling her drink and pouring another one. "Okay, so what's after G?"

"A, B, C, D, E, F, G…" Jen dimly thought they were in trouble if they couldn't remember the alphabet already but giggled, "H…H is after G."

"Of Course! H! How could I forget! H is for Hansen!" It was easily clear that the amount of alcohol that the two had consumed was beginning to really affect them, especially Teya since it had been a long time since she had last had a drink.

"No…no H is for Hillstrand!" Jen asserted, feeling rather defensive of her fiancé and his family name. "H has to be Hillstrand." Teya shook her head at her friend.

"No way! Hillstrand already has a book out so he can't be in our alphabet! Besides you already have Andy in there."

Jen drank the shot in front of her and playfully glared at her friend, "Sig has a book too and you have Edgar in here twice." She tapped her finger against the paper and then gave into the childish urge to stick her tongue out at Teya, "H is for Hillstrand."

"Nope not a chance! That Swedish name is not going to be in here. This is for a NORWEGIAN child not a Swedish one. He will be raised learning the Norwegian way." Teya crossed her arms and glared (or at least attempted to) at her friend. Jen dissolved into a fit of giggles at her friends attempt to intimidate her and shook her head.

"Fine, fine, you win, it's for your son." She kept laughing and wrote 'Hansen' next to the H on her list. Teya nodded her head and grabbed for the bottle of rum and tried to pour the next glass, but the bottle was empty. She lifted it up and turned it upside down, allowing the last drop to slip out. "We need Vodka! Where's the vodka? It's your turn…I is next"

Jen blinked at her friend and pointed to the liquor cabinet, "Vodka is next to the Tequila." She snickered as Teya tried to walk over and decided to crawl instead. "I is for…um…Icepack? Does that work?" Teya nodded as she moved the bottles around not caring about the labels and grabbed a bottle of Absolut since it was the most recognisable as vodka.

"J….Jansen? It was my maiden name after all." She said from the cabinet as she also grabbed the tequila before heading back.

"Naw…" Jen shook her head, "How about…Johnathan, I mean…we already have Andy and Edgar." She pushed her shot glass closer to the bottle of vodka, "We have to keep our families together." Teya poured her friend another glass, spilling a lot of the drink on the table and not in the glass.

"Sure why not. Okay so K…..hmm. Keith?"

"Hey, K is my letter silly!" Jen giggled and took her partially filled glass back and topped it up with tequila, "K is NOT Keith, Johnathan would kill me," she giggled and tipped back her shot, "K is for Keepers, both the crabs on the boats and the awesome mens we have."

"Here here!" said Teya, clinking her glass with Jen. "Okay so K is for Keepers. Next is L…..hmmm Lenny? No no, not going to work." Teya thought hard for a little bit, her brows scrunched together as she thought about it. "Line? Loading dock? Luck?"

"Loading dock is fun!" Jenn giggled, "Besides, our mens don't need luck and the dock is an important place. He'll need to know that." Jen nodded as if she had figured out some deep universal truth, "Okay, M…is for…Monte? No, he's as bad as Keith…Mike…Mouse?" Teya grinned as she took a drink right out of the bottle.

"True Alexei will need to learn about the loading dock. M….hmm Mouse I like, can be used to describe the whole Wizard crew, except Freddie. He's Cornelia badass and will always be Cornelia badass. Now N." Teya gave a drunken evil grin, the one that if she were sober would have Edgar running for the hills.

'Well, N should be pretty obvious," Jen said, not hearing the door open, "If E is Edgar, then N is Norman…right?" Andy stopped Sig before he could enter the room and disturb whatever their women were currently working on; he also eyed the two empty rum bottles, the open and half-drunk bottle of tequila and nearly empty bottle of vodka. This was going to be interesting to say the least. He made a shushing noise as they snuck around the corner to listen in.

"Nope! We ALL know what your favourite middle name is. So N is Nicodemus." Teya laughed out loud holding her sides and she fell backwards laughing like a hyena and snorting. "Hahaha Nicodemus!"

Jen fell over as well and howled with laughter, "Nic…nico…demus!" she could feel the tears running down her cheeks, "You…you can't be serious!" She was clutching her sides and Andy could just barely make her out behind the couch, "N has to be Norman…besides…you like him better than Dickboss and he's on the list. Twice." Teya was struggling to regain her breath as she tried to talk.

"Norm…haha….Norm'll be cool with it. Haha" she said. "He doesn't want to be in the spotlight, so Nicodemus, just to annoy you!" Teya kept laughing as she rolled around on the floor and knocked over the remaining bottle of Absolut. Sig looked at Andy, vaguely wondering why Teya hadn't chosen Northwestern and then realized that Jen couldn't have drunk all that liquor by herself and shook his head; his wife was going to be fun to get home tonight.

Jen was rolling on the floor and gasped out, "Your son, not mine!" She moved the tequila hopefully out of range before giggling, "O is for Opies!" Teya stopped laughing and shot to sit back up, ignoring the dizziness she felt as she realised something.

"Oh my god! How could we forget K for King Crab!" Teya literally did a head desk, before rubbing her forehead where she hit it on the table. "Quick change it!" she said rubbing the sore spot. Jen drug herself up and started to look over the list but her eyes were so blurred with tears and liquor she couldn't read it. She blinked a few times and slowly wrote King Crab next to Keepers and then collapsed back against the floor.

"Alright...your turn." She giggled, feeling the room spin, "I like Paul for P, but it's your choice." Teya shook her head.

"Nope I don't want to be reminded of that island for a good long while." She said totally forgetting that Paul was Andy's middle name. "Pranks! You can't live on a crab boat and not do a prank. Plus they still talk about the mermaid one I pulled in my first year in Dutch, you know." Jen giggled and then snorted as she remembered hearing about the "mermaid" prank that had thoroughly freaked out her husband-to-be and his crew. She nodded and slowly pulled the paper down to her level to write it on the list.

"Okay…Q…" her forehead wrinkled, "Shit…what starts with Q?" Teya thought hard about it for a good long while before grabbing the bottle of tequila.

"I got nothing….we can come back for that after a few more shots of tequila yeah? So R's next yeah?"

"R…yes, R is next and it's your letter." Jen giggled, still thinking of words that started with Q. Andy had never seen Jen so thoroughly drunk before and he found himself staring at his fiancée as if he'd never seen her before; at least she was happy drunk. He saw her mouthing something but quickly moved back when her head started to turn his way. Teya lay back on the floor to think.

"Hmmm, R…..R …..r….arr me hearty? No that's pirate and starts with A anyway. Hmm…..R…" Teya started to mutter random musings before sitting up and exclaiming "Got to stop ramblin' it not….hey Ramblin' Rose!"

Jen started to snicker again, "Ramblin' Rose? Going for a two-for?" She shook head and then shot up so quickly the room spun, "Well fuck me…quota!" she gasped, "How could we have missed it!" Andy was curious about the second reference to Elliot Neese, even though he no long worked on the Rose, he found it odd that Teya would bring it up when there were other things that started with R. He had figured out they were making up an alphabet around crabbing but why he still wasn't sure. Sig lent over and whispered to Andy.

"Teya's been thinking about how we could go about pranking Elliot and getting Junior to take the blame for it without either of them knowing it was us." Andy learned early on that Teya was a forced to be reckoned with when it came to pranking. The Bering boys actually crowned her the Queen of Pranks in her last year in the fleet, and even though she no longer worked on the Northwestern due to staying home and looking after Alexei, she still planned the majority of the pranks for them.

"How could I forget quota! It's what we have to live on now. Stupid fucked up government." Teya began to sulk at the vile word. "So T."

"No...no…S comes first." Jen giggled, and then quickly ran through the alphabet in her head to make sure she was right, "yes S before T…" She sighed, "Seatroll?"

Sig looked confused and Andy whispered in his ear that is was Johnathan and Jen's secret code for Keith, since neither of them like him and he was knowing for spamming twitter feeds with useless junk and ridiculous pictures. Sig nodded and waited to see what they'd come up with next.

"Seatroll? Oh you mean Keith." Asked Teya, grimacing when Jen confirmed that she indeed meant Keith. "Oh hell no! We nixed that asshat before! No if 'S' is the next letter it has got to be Sexy Sigurd! Gotta love me some of that hot Norwegian ass. Why when I get him home I'm going to give that man a nice long…."

"Ooooookay if you don't want to hear about the Andyconda then I don't need to hear about Sig!" said Jen covering her ears.

Sig looked over his friend and mouthed "Andyconda?" Andy just shook his head and reminded himself to talk to his fiancée when she was sober about her…special names for him and certain parts of his anatomy. Teya was howling with laughter at the look on her friends face, half expecting her to start saying "lalala can't hear you!" any second. "Fine…fine…we'll let you have Sigurd as S, but then I want T to be Time Bandit." Jen said, calming down slightly. Teya nodded.

"Fairs fair. T is Time Bandit. I can't come up with anything any way. So U….. Hmm…. U ….. Unalaska? I think that should be okay. Man is it just me or are these getting harder now?" asked Teya, she was fairly sure that the alcohol she was drinking was definitely clouding her mind. Jen giggled and took a swig from the tequila bottle, she was definitely feeling floaty and she had a feeling she was forgetting something, something important. She shrugged herself and then tried to wrap her mind around V.

"V…is for…" she sighed and then spotted the Absolut bottle and snickered, "Vodka!" Teya glanced at the empty bottle, before looking directly at her friend.

"You got anymore of that vodka? I want to make some vodka and cock! I mean cock, I mean… gah! Get me some more Vodka damnnit bitch!" she demanded as Jen started howling with laughter at her friends choice of words. Behind the wall Sig hid his face in his hands as he realised that it was going to be a big challenge getting his wife home tonight if the alcohol was causing her to be so horny and loose. He hoped that she wouldn't try to give him a blow job on the way home as she had done so before a few years ago, since that last escapade nearly ended up with them in an accident. Jen was now curled on her side she was laughing so hard and barely managed to point to the liquor cabinet as her friend demanded vodka and cock.

"I can give you the vodka, the other…well…" she took a deep breath, "You'll have to look for that somewhere else!" Andy had never seen or heard his fiancée act like this but he almost felt sorry for Sig; getting Teya home without her trying molest Sig was going to be damn near impossible. "Okay, okay…W." Jen said, "We can't use Wizard, that's Seatroll's boat, what about Wild Bill!" Teya laughed hard.

"'Cause we both know how Wild Bill got his name now don't we? And it wasn't cause he was a wild man on the sea. I've heard from the women in and around Dutch that he does this little something something that causes them to have the best orgasms ever." Teya winked at her friend. "Maybe we should ask him if he will tell our boys his old trick?" Teya reached into her pocket and pulled out her mobile phone and slowly and carefully sent a text message to Bill.

"Okay so while we wait for Bill to answer back lets keep going. What's after W?"

"X." Jen giggled… "What on a boat starts with X?"

"Nothing," snickered Teya.

"Well shit." Jen started laughing again, "Although, you know, things have happened on boats to inspire x-rated smut bunnies!"

"No shit Jen. You won't believe half the things I have done with Sigurd on the Northwestern! I don't think there is a place on that boat we haven't christened properly. For fuck's sake, the stuff that we come up with would make Fifty Shades look like a children's novel." Jen covered her ears again and this time started saying "I don't want to know." Over and over. Sig on the other hand was now so red in the face with embarrassment. He would have to have a good long talk with his wife about what she should and should not tell her friends, no matter if she was drunk or sober.

"Teya, sweetie, I love you but there are some things I don't need to know." She shook her head, "I know I write smut for a living but that doesn't mean I want to think of you and Sig having sex!" Teya was howling as she tried to drag herself into a sitting position but just didn't work.

"Yeah baby!" Jen roared, "I think we have our Y." Andy smiled, proud of his fiancée, she would make a great Hillstrand; however he couldn't think of what they would come up with for Z. He was trying think of it and couldn't think of a single thing to do with crabbing that started with Z. Teya pouted a little.

"Honey I could tell you ways to make your future husband never want to leave your side. Why do you think Sig is contemplating leaving the wheelhouse in King season and giving it to Edgar? Or at least letting Ed run the boats for blue crab?"

Andy looked over at Sig who just sighed and nodded. "There's a little more too it but yeah it's one of the reasons why."

"Sweetie it all starts with how you work that zipper…..Hey! That's a Z word! Zipper!"

Jen glared playfully at her friend, "Girl, I write this shit for a living, do you really think I don't know how 'work that zipper' even when Andy isn't at home?" Andy's eyes widen and Sig looked over at his friend, who was now as red as Sig had been earlier.

"Why do you think Andrew was soooo relaxed this year?" Jen drawled, smiling at Teya, "Don't tell me Sig's never called you in the middle of the night while the rest of the crew is sleeping." She snickered, "And yes, Zipper is a Z word…not sure what is has to do with crabbing though."

"Hmm you are indeed right. Zipper does indeed have nothing to do with crab fishing. What about Zip tie? We used to use them all the time when we were playing pranks on other boats. Would that work?" Jen nodded and jotted down zip tie. "Those come in handy as well you know, maybe you should put those into your next story. And Sig has called in me not just at night, you know. Mind you the I've only missed a couple of seasons you know. All the other times I've been on the boat."

"Zippers and Zip ties…that's what you came up with?" Both women froze at Sig's voice; Teya began eyeing her husband in a way that should have made him very nervous and Jen watched as Andy walked towards her with something odd in his gaze.

"Z is a hard letter." Jen pouted up at her fiancée, "Did you get me my chips?"

"I did." He knelt beside her, "They're in the hall."

"How long have you been listening?" asked Teya, not sure if she or Jen wanted to know the answer. Sig came up to his wife and helped her up.

"Long enough to know that your loyalty to our boat and family is questionable. Nicodemus? Really? I agree with Jen, you should have had Norman or at least I would have said Northwestern." Teya eyed her husband greedily with a spark of mischief in her eyes.

"I guess the good captain needs to help remind me of my loyalties should he not?"

Jen looked up at Andy as he pulled her into his arms, "I take it you have no such doubts my love?"

"None at all." He smiled as he slipped his arm under her knees, "But I think the time for potato chips is past don't you?" he lifted her easily and she rested her head against his shoulder.

"Mmmm-hmmm." She sighed and looked over at Teya. "Hey, get a room!" Teya pulled away from Sig and laughed at her friend, sticking her tongue out at her.

"Sure we will! Come on Sigurd I know where there is an awesome bedroom in this place. It has the most comfortable bed ever, or so I'm told. I think we need to test it out, don't you?" She asked, a mischievously drunken grin on her face as she tried to lead Sig to the master bedroom. "I'm sure Andy and Jen don't mind if we use their room."

Andy stepped into her path, still holding Jen in his arms and stared at Sig, "You can use the guest room if you promise to be quiet."

"Andrew, I don't feel so good." Jen mumbled and he realized the amount of alcohol the two women had consumed was catching up with her a bit faster than the woman currently trying to shove her hand down his friend's pants.

"It's okay baby, I'll take good care of you." He said and turned towards the master suite and didn't look back, leaving Sig and Teya to figure out if they were staying or doing all on their own.

Sig turned to his wife after watching his friend disappear into the master suite.

"Come on sweetheart, time to get you home. I really don't want to hear Andy going at it with Jen in the morning. I've heard enough disturbing things tonight." Teya nodded as he started to lead her out of the house, not forgetting to stop and pick up the notepad and took out the offending pages before they left.

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Needless to say that Sig got Teya home safely (and no she didn't try to give Sig a blow job on the way, although she did try a hand job) and that both women were very, very hung over and didn't remember much of that night. At least not until a revised version of their alphabet came out as a new children's book a few months later. Which, of course, had been heavily edited by Sig to remove all traces of their sexual innuendos and became more focused on the Northwestern.

No trace of Elliot, the Ramblin' Rose, the Wizard or the Time Bandit was found in the new book.


End file.
